"Cars of Darkness" excerpt

"I'm Billy, and I bet you're looking for one of those hybrid cars."

"That's right. My name is Art. How could you tell."

"You have the look of someone who walks a lot. And your shoes are well worn at the soles, so I guess you walk a lot. You probably wouldn't be buying a car at all if it didn't get 50 to the gallon. What kind of car you think I'm looking for?"

"I'd say a bigger car than they sell here." Billy liked that, laughed loud enough to get one of the busy sales clerks to notice him. But really, I'd bet you are looking for something for your business fleet."

January 22, 2005

"Fleet? Yeah, I guess fleet is the right word for it. Like Columbus going to Portugal to buy ships. Did Columbus buy ships in Portugal?" The sales clerk also seemed to notice the word "fleet".

"That could be right. I don't really know. I know the Portuguese had something to do with it. He himself was Italian, wasn't he?"

"He totally had it wrong, where he was going, you know? I mean Columbus." Billy seemed to want to distract himself from the task of buying a car. "I'm thinking of the hybrids, too, if you want to know the truth. The problem is my height. I have a really long torso, so I have to lean over when I sit in a small car." Looking at him, I wasn't so sure he had to worry about his height at all. The model sold here had a dome-style roof, so it probably accommodated his height and mine just fine. It was Billy's width that made him seem too big for the car. His biceps were as wide as my upper leg, his chest was half again as wide as mine. And I'm not a slight person. Because of the mention of Columbus I found myself imagining Billy pulling out a watch cap, slapping it on his head, and shouting orders to some unseen deck hand high above our heads on a rope ladder. What life's labors had made him into such a mountain? And why did he strut around like he owned the place?

"Well, that's why I said you should try the bigger ones. There are some trucks that'd be--"

"Listen, I know trucks. They seem like they'd be safe, I mean isn't that why people buy 'em?'

"Or they have lots of cargo, but, yeah."

"But that's the fucked up thing. Pardon my language. They aren't even as safe as the little cars. They had that whole thing a few years ago with the roll-overs." Now a couple other waiting customers were looking in Billy's direction. They watched his face like people watch television: not shy about staring at him, nodding with agreement or shaking their heads in dismay, as if they were listening to Howard Stern or President Bush. "You can't get around that high center of gravity, no matter how good your seat belts are. Plus your visibility really sucks. But you'll be amazed, most of all, because of how cramped it feels when you sit inside it. Big cars are small and small cars are big. That's all there is to it." When he took a breath, turned to the side and looked at me out of the corner of his eye, I thought he'd get a round of applause.