November 1985

I do not hate myself now because there is no person or thing in my life that makes me hate myself. I hated myself better when I hated myself because then my emotions were all very simple. Raw. Unadulterated. It came from my inner soul. I feel now like I have been built up and I worry more now about things like what kinds of impressions I leave on other people. I try not to but I do it anyway. It's fake.

When I start acting fake I start losing contact with myself and that sets me in the direction of a short circuit. Maybe that is what I need. If everything blew up in my face, which will inevitably happen some time. it just might be the healthiest thing that could happen. Then I could stand away from myself and re-evaluate my life and the people in it and my actions and emotions. Then perhaps it'll all become crystal clear and I will be much happier. I do not want to be a liar or a phony or a back-stabber or a cheat but a lot of the time I am. I look at myself and cannot justify so I look away. I should not want to justify anything. I should naturally have the comfort of knowing that what I am doing is what I believe in--but I am really not sure anymore.

For the first time ever I have been asking people to tell me what is right for me.

(November 1985--1st semester of undergraduate program)